baby blues

I was in a really bad place on Wednesday. Every once in awhile i go to this dark place and get in a bad funk, i really hate seeing people announce they are pregnant. Yes i am happy for them, but just another reminder of what I wont experience. okay i am lieing, i don't know if i'll ever experience motherhood. I know in previous posts i have explain i have polysyctic ovarian syndrome and so i have my issues and tevis also has his. We need to go get him checked out some more before we give our final answer to having a baby or not.

I don't know how to cope with all this.
I don't know how to prepare myself not to be a mom. 

So after lots of talking and getting on the same page we have come to the mutual understanding that if and when tevis gets all checked out if he has to have any kind of procedure or surgery, he does not want to go through all that. I totally understand, he has been through a lot, almost died on me, lost part of his left leg and he honestly cannot feel 100% confident with being able to be the father he needs/wants to be or what i want/need him to be. I totally understand and i know he will be a great dad, he is a great dad to Delaney. Having a baby will be different though, even with having a puppy in the house i take care of her, during the night, etc, etc, because he just simply cant during the night, he cant just roll outta bed and take her out like a normal person.

So after throwing a pity party for myself i have come to the conclusion that, I am put in tevis' life to take care of him and maybe that's why a baby isn't in our game plan. I have my hands full with, tevis, Storm, school, house, myself, and Delaney. I just need to learn how to cope and be OK with not having a baby with him. My life is pretty great, there are families and people out there worse off than we are. I am so thankful for everything i have in my life and everyone i have in my life. I told Tevis i wanted to go to counseling, maybe it would help. So i decided to open up more on here, maybe that will help until i figure out what I need to do to help myself.

I am not always good with my words and no where near a writer but this helps and i love the blogging community. thanks in advance for all the nice encouraging kind words i know a few of you will say. XOXO.

Thanks for reading! Love to all!

How to prepare myself....

I wanted this blog to be all about my Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome(PCOS) and our journey to having a baby....BUT.

Which you can read about what I have written about PCOS ... HERE && HERE

Once i started blogging more and getting into following I decided to just make my blog all about ME sorta blog. Everything from DIY projects, family, recipes, weightloss, etc etc. I thought i would write this personal post so everyone could get to know me a little better and understand more of what I am going through.

The baby making train is sort of on hold. I have been with tevis for almost three years, and from the get go, Tevis knew i wanted to have kids. So he has always been on board and says he wants a boy :). We basically have just been trying without trying. I already knew it would be hard, so I have my issues and recently we found out he has his issues. SOOOO I really dont know whats going to happen and if I will ever be a mom.

 I have an appointment June 14th and will hopefully get more answers. I am nervous about this appointment because although its just my yearly appointment and I feel like once i ask my questions then I will leave knowing if i will be a mom or not. I just dont want my heart to break, but i just have a feeling it will be breaking.

How do you prepare yourself not to be a mother? That is the question I have asked myself over and over and over. I cannot answer it and it makes me so sad.

Basically the decision has been made that if Tevis has to have anything done surgically to him or some kind of procedure to his boys down there, he does not want to go through it. He has had enough done to him and has been in enough pain for the past year, he is kinda over it. I am on board with this decision too and i totally understand where he is coming from, but he has agreed to not say no on the baby making until we get ALL OF OUR questions answered. I would not leave Tevis if we could not have a baby together. Its not a deal breaker, and i love him so much and I know God put me in his life for a reason and vise versa. I sometimes feel god is not putting a baby in my life because I need to focus on Tevis and myself, sometimes Tevis is all I focus on! Also Tevis is afraid he cant be the dad to a newborn like he was with Delaney. Tevis is a great dad for one, But i understand his concerns. Who is gonna jump outta bed in the middle of night when baby is crying or our toddler needs us? It will be all on me, because tevis cant just sit up and walk, he either needs his walker, crunches or his prosthetic leg. SO you can imagine what why he thinks he cant be the dad he needs to be. We would deal with it and make it through.

As most of you know Tevis already has a daughter, Delaney, she is 7 years old and I adore her so much. I love when we do have her because the mommy in me kicks in. We love having her around and being a little family, and only dream of one day adding to it. I will treat and love Delaney as one of my own and she will never feel anything other then love from me.

 I hope his issues is an easy fix or even fixed with medication and we can try before we put it all to a stop. I pray and hope and wish like crazy that I get to be able to be a mother! I want to be a mommy so bad.  I tried to make this short and sweet and to the point, I hope everyone took time to read this and get to know me a little better. Thanks in advance for all the advice and support!

PINK PINK PINK!

So i thought I would give a little shout out to my girls!!! 

Laura on the left & Erica on the right! 

Laura Just found out she is having her first little girl, she is a house full of BOYS!!!

My best friend Erica Nicole is having her 4th girl :) Her poor husband, house full of GIRLS! 

If ya stop and read this, Say Congrats to my girls and check out their blogs!

Look forward to seeing a blog post I HOPE soon about if I am having a NIECE or NEPHEW! 

Might be able to find out next week!

Life never goes as planned....

Hello blogger world!!!

So from my precious posts you have found out that i was diagnosed with PCOS around the age of 20. When i was married we tried and tried and tried for a baby, right before our relationship went south, I knew my next step was clomid. Well now i am in a new relationship and Tevis knew from the beginning i wanted kids, I wanted to be a mother. We talked about kids early in our relation, so he knew what he was getting himself into. Life never goes as planned, i see 16 year olds get pregnant just by blinking, so its very frustrating to see young girls having babies. I HAVE TO KEEP THINKING, everything happens for a reason and god has other plans for me. Like right now i just keep thinking, god put me in Tevis' life to keep him alive and take care of him. I will know when the time comes if i need to prepare myself to be a mother or not to be a mother. I have my days where i talk myself into being ok with not being a mother to my own child. I feel i know in the back of my head I wont be a mom, i wont have a baby. I have my own set of issues and then Tevis has his own set. We don't have money to do in vitro or surrogate, but i cant be so negative, but at the same time i have to prepare myself somehow. It keeps me inside to think i wont be a mom, and i wont give my family a grandchild, niece or nephew. I have my lovely yearly this summer and will of course ask more questions, and maybe once tevis gets insurance we will get him checked out and see what our options are. I hate the thought Tevis and I just cant make a baby on our own. If its meant to be it will happen! Until we find out more answers I will just focus on myself, tevis, school and being the best step mommy i can be to Delaney because she deserves all my life no matter what. & if one i can make her a big sister i know she will be the best out there!  

XoXo. Hope everyone had a great Wednesday!