Saturday, April 13, 2013

Just call me CrAzY.

So if you have read and been following my blog or simply know me personally, you know I suffer from the nasty PCOS. I also suffer from pretty severe Anxiety. It has gotten worse for me in the last year so and all started because Tevis almost died on me. So to get to me know some more I thought i would tell you all about how anxiety affects my life and what I go through, I ask for no judgement and Yeah i call myself crazy, its how i deal with it.

I will say i had anxiety before moving to the Indy area and before my relationship with Tevis. I was on medicine while with my ex-husband, i called them my happy pills.  When i met Tevis i stopped them, i didn't feel i needed them anymore. Well life caught back up with me, and i got back on different pills, but they made me too sick and dizzy so i haven't been taking them. I need to get back to my doctor, and soon! I try to do all natural things, i don't want to be all drugged up. I drink a bedtime tea almost every night that helps me relax and allows me to sleep. i have issues with sleeping thanks to my anxiety and worrying to much, my brain does not shut off at night, doesn't matter how tired I am. I try to sometimes sit and meditate or talk to one of my friends or Tevis about whats on my mind to set it free. I ask Tevis a lot to rub my back and shoulders to relieve the tension and help me relax and then i had lavender calming lotion i rub all over before bed. & when we finally move i will have a nice big bath tub to take hot bubble baths, i know those help. I do all these natural things and try to control it myself but something in my head just doesn't shut off completely, so i now know i need some medicine to help my craziness.

I am afraid of the dark, and i have to have a night light in our bedroom and some around the house. In our bedroom now we have two doors, they MUST both be shut when i am sleeping no question about it. Tevis will get up in the middle of the night or early morning when its still dark out to use the restroom and If i wake up with him i will freak that the door is open because i think i see shadows or someone walking or i will think someone is going to get me. He is now understanding more and makes sure to shut the door behind him. I usually have to fall asleep with the TV on..and if i wake up to shut the tv off I must start seeing light outside or be tired enough to fall back asleep without caring. Some nights are worse then others, last night i was able to sleep with no TV, I was pretty tired. See i am crazy? I do know plenty of people like me though, so never alone.
I worry and stress toooo much over things that i shouldn't dwell on so that is also part of my anxiety.
& then i think the worst thing of all is i think i am dieing. I will lay in bed and all of a sudden my mind goes to this bad place, i will start thinking i have cancer and gonna die. If i have a sore or a pain or something strange on my body I immediately think something is wrong, I spend lots of time at my doctors. I make sure to get blood work done often and when i am there i make her feel and exam my body. It just puts my mind at ease. Like i have said before its gotten worse this past year with everything happening with Tevis, quitting my job, moving, still no job, but college keeps me busy.
Anxiety is a constant everyday battle, but i am thankful to have great supporting boyfriend, friends and family who know my true craziness side and still love me and help me through it.

I don't just tell anyone this but thought it would help me by telling this side of me so for one, my viewers and new friends get to know me and understand me. I really am a great person, easy to talk to and fun to be around. My anxiety doesn't affect who i really am. & it will relieve some stress, my anxiety has been worse lately and getting this out def, helps. I love blogging but i have abused it in the past as a personal diary and got myself in trouble so i don't get to personal or talk about stuff that should get me in trouble, lol. I will always try to be honest and myself though.

Thanks for reading and letting me into your life and hope your getting a glimpse of my life!

No comments:

Post a Comment